Ten Thousand Yen
by 00Slightly00
Summary: The plot revolves around Zookeeper Naraku, nicknamed the Bird Man because of his... Love of Emus? Don't worry, folks Naraku's still evil, even in his Alternate Reality state...
1. The Secret Life of BirdMan

Dear New Readers, please and thank you for reading my latest fic, Ten Thousand Yen! Please do not be alarmed... I won't kill anybody or anything... It's merely for your enjoyment of watching Naraku as a zookeeper.

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha characters. Oh man... I'm going to get really bored of writing this soon, aren't I?

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The bird glared at its captor with freakishly blue feathers flopping over one side of its head. It fanned navy tail-feathers in every direction, hoping to appear larger.

"Are you mad at me?" asked the obstacle smoothly. "I wouldn't do anything to anger such a beautiful... Stop that." The bird clapped Naraku on the head with its beak repeatedly. Any regular person would have collapsed with traumatic head injuries by now, but no... This man looked at it calmly with sparkling red eyes, frowning. "Do not disobey your zookeeper," he said tiredly, "or I won't give you any... Euhm... Dinner." He waved a large plastic container, roughly the size of a moving box, filled with an enticing mixture of something which resembled puke. The bird turned its head quizzically. _Food!_ Without waiting for the man to even put it down, the emu launched forwards and buried its head in the disgusting slop. Naraku sighed and put the container down as carefully as possible. He couldn't tell why he liked these stupid birds so much.

Meanwhile, Inuyasha was just finishing up for the day.

"So cute," said a voice behind him as he tossed some fish into the Platypus pen.

"You wouldn't think they were so cute if you had to feed them this crap every day," he snarled.

"I didn't mean the platypuses... I meant the fact that you were feeding them," said the voice.

"I know it's you, Kagome," Inuyasha sighed.

"Whoops, it looks like I'm busted. You better call the cops."

"I thought you had elephants or something to deal with."

"I did, and then I handed them over to Kikyou. And they're not elephants, they're giraffes."

"Elephants, giraffes, same difference."

"That's an oxymoron."

"You're an oxymoron."

"You're just a moron."

"Do I hear bickering or did the emu peck the sense out of me?" Naraku asked, drifting up behind Kagome and grabbing the back of her neck.

"AIEEEE! Oh... It's you... Don't... Do that..."

"Do what?" Inuyasha asked, without turning around. He hurled another fish into the water. It struck a platypus square between the eyes. The animal stopped moving and the boy seized up laughing.

"That's not funny," Kagome said in horror.

"It is in my eyes," Naraku answered, letting go of the girl and sliding up next to Inuyasha. "Oh dear... It appears to be dead."

"It's not dead," Inuyasha said, standing up. Apparently he'd collapsed laughing. "I do that all the time."

"It could have been fatal. You could be arrested for abuse," Naraku stated.

"Don't lie, it's not good for you."

"I never lie."

"Don't you wink at me."

"I never wink... It's an eyelash."

Inuyasha watched the Emu-Man disappear.

"I hate that guy," he said, and launched another fish. "Bombs away..."

------

The veterinarian's office was all the same. Black desks with black counters and black instruments piled next to black pencil cases filled with black pens. The place was so black you would think somebody died. Somebody entered the room wearing stark-white robes, shocking against the lack of colour, and walked over to another white blob.

"Hey, Kikyou, how's life?" From the burning glare Miroku recieved, life wasn't all that good. Then again, Kikyou hated life in the first place... Which made the question so worthwhile. She appeared to be in a particularly bad mood today, though.

"It sucks," she said menacingly. "I just had to deal with a giraff and an unconcious platypus... And a stupid emu with a chipped beak."

"How does an emu chip its beak?"

"Pecked something too hard... Probably that thick-skulled Naraku."

"I'm laughing like a fool," Naraku answered from the next room.

"Oh, Naraku, I'm so sorry for your loss," Miroku called. "I didn't realize your sense of humor died in such a horrible-"

"Silence if you know what's good for you, or you'll join my sense of humor," Naraku replied calmly.

"So smooth, Naraku. You're such a ladies man," Kikyou teased.

"You're such a colourless slob," he answered her.

"People, people," Miroku said tiredly. "Let's not start a feud..."

"You started it in the first place," Kikyou reminded him. "Now, listen, Doc. We're both vets here, so why don't you buck up and do some work around here?"

"You seem to be doing so well on your own," Miroku said, before Kikyou glared him down. "Okay, okay... What do I need to do?"

"You need to help me poison these fish before I hand them to Inuyasha to feed the platypuses."

"Don't answer for me, Naraku," Kikyou sighed. "For your information, there's an ostrich that needs its claws clipped and I'm not doing that job if you paid me."

"You _are_ getting paid, that's why it's called a job. In fact, you're the head vet, so you're getting paid thousands."

"Clip the stupid bird," Kikyou growled.

"If there's a bird in trouble, talk to the bird man," Miroku replied.

"Oh, yes. It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... Bird Man," Naraku interrupted.

"You're still listening?" asked the Head Vet. "Haven't you stopped eavesdropping?"

Naraku stepped through the door, dressed in his usual khaki-coloured zookeepers outfit.

"I never eavesdrop."

------

The day was coming to a close. The Bird Man had just changed into something more comfortable- complete with white, fake-fur cloak- when he saw that girl again. Kagome was just finishing her day, too.

"Aw, gross, I smell rank," she complained to herself, when just at that moment Naraku slithered up behind her oh-so-silently and grabbed the back of her neck. "AIIIII-ack..." He clapped a hand over her mouth and dragged her backwards.

"Quiet," he snapped. Kagome struggled and made a muffled noise which sounded like 'kidnap'. "I'm not kidnapping you." Kagome started to clamp down on one of his fingers. "I just spent the day with rampant emu birds trying to knock my brains out... I can assure you that doesn't hurt." She only bit harder. He sighed and let go.

"What was _that_ for?" Kagome gasped.

"I felt the urge to surprise you."

"You don't feel anything! You don't even notice pain!"

"Pain? What is this Pain of which you speak?"

Kagome narrowed her eyes, clearly annoyed.

"I just had a long and stressful day dealing with giraff poop. Never let a giraff get diarrhea. So do not try and stress me out any more..." She turned on her heels, about to march away, when Naraku flung out a hand and grabbed her wrist, dragging her back again. "What are you _doing?_"

"I'm doing what is called putting a plan into action. Do you know what this is, Kagome?"

"A hankerchief?"

"No... Sedative."

"Wha... Woah." Kagome slumped. Naraku picked her up and carried her daintily back towards an empty pen.

"You look stressed... Have a good night's sleep." He flung her into the pen. She rolled down the side and onto a grassy turf. There was no way she would be climbing out fifteen feet of steep concrete. Naraku put the hankerchief back inside an inside cloak pocket and continued on his merry way. This was going to be the greatest attraction the zoo had ever seen...

------

Oooooh, semi-cliffhanger! Poor Kagome, Naraku's so mean to her - but that's okay! Coming up next: Naraku's fiendish plot is underway... Plus, never try to clip ostrich claws without the help of everybody's favorite half-demon. Reviews PUH-LEEZE, or else how will I know how to make it better?


	2. Caring For Your Rabid Ostritch

Dear Faithful Readers, how dare you avoid the review button. I KNOW you're there... Kekeke... Come out and play... And write reviews... Oh, never mind. Okay, well, let's do a review, shall we? Inuyasha is a platypus feeder. Miroku and Kikyou are veterinarians. Kagome deals with giraffs. And... Lord Naraku is actually... An Emu-tamer! Last chapter, in the brilliantly un-reviewed Chapter One of Ten Thousand Yen, we left off with Naraku sedating Kagome and throwing her into an empty pen. I have a bad feeling about this, folks, so lets see where this goes, hm?

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Kagome lay at the bottom of the pen. She flinched and opened her eyes carefully. Fuzzy images fizzled in front of her until she was finally able to focus on what was happening around her. She was looking straight up. The sky was extremely dark, so she figured it was night. Little winking stars confirmed this belief. She sat bolt upright very suddenly. She was outdoors? How on earth did that happen? Glancing around nervously, she started fidgiting and examining her surroundings. The first thing she noticed was that she was lying next to fifteen feet of concrete wall. There was no way she was going to climb out. The second thing she noticed was that it was extremely painful to wave her wrist around.

"Owwwww," she moaned, rolling to her feet. "Ow ow ow ow! And OW!"

"If it hurts so much, I reccomend you sit down." The voice was so calm she knew exactly who it was without even looking up.

"...Naraku."

"Oh, you're clever."

She flung around angrily. She was dressed in her usual zookeepers outfit - khaki hat, khaki rolled-up-sleevy shirt, khaki pants, black boots for variety, and plenty of pockets all over everything. Naraku, on the other hand, was dressed in his after-work white cloak. It suited him, in an eerie sort of way. The other difference was that he was fifteen feet above her, sitting on the edge of the fence which kept visitors from plunging in.

"Let... Me... Out," she growled savagely. Naraku smiled pleasantly. "I'm warning you." He kept blinking at her as if they were drinking tea. "FINE! I'll do it myself!" She started walking along the edge, eyes scanning the pen. All she could see was a fringe of bushes and trees at the edge.

"I wouldn't advise you to be so loud, young lady."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"On the contrary. I'm your keeper."

"Don't joke, this isn't funny."

"I... Never joke."

"Har, har."

She examined everything as she walked around the edge slowly.

"You don't want to keep going in that direction," Naraku said flatly.

"Then why am I still going In That Direction?"

"I have placed you strategicly between the lions and the hyenas."

Kagome let out a long sigh. There was just no talking to a guy like this. She kept walking. This was impossible... There was no way up, she realized with horror. A thought occured to her- keepers had to be able to reach the bottom of the pen for emergencies, so there had to be a hidden door nearby, at the end of the pen. She started feeling her way down the wall with her useful hand.

"You insist on heading into a pack of hyenas."

"Shut up. That's not-"

She was about to tell him this wasn't funny - again, but she'd heard something. A twig snapped roughly, somewhere in front of her. A sound suddenly rose from the mass of trees, an immense bleating, almost giggling noise, filled with growls and snorts as something woke up. The sound made her blood freeze.

A huge, huddled mass bubbled from the tree. It rolled like frothing black water, hunched and bleating the horrible sound into the air. In one swift motion, the mass unbent itself, and hundreds of beady black eyes stared at her hungrily. The noise stopped as a pack of hyenas, foaming muzzles sniffing excitedly, glared her down.

"I told you," Naraku practically sang into the pen. "Don't move. If you run they will either eat you or you will run into an angry pack of lions... And we wouldn't want our star attraction to get in that sort of trouble so soon."

"S-star at-attra-cct-ct-"

She couldn't move, but she had most definately heard him. A wave of worries immediately slammed through her. _Star attraction, start attraction, we wouldn't want our star attraction to get in that sort of trouble so soon, that sort of trouble, that sort of trouble, so soon, soon, soon, soon..._ Horror settled in. He was keeping her? In here? Like an animal?

"You..." She gritted her teeth and stared into a pack of hyenas.

------

Morning came bright, early and full of loopholes and problems that Inuyasha hadn't expected. The first problem was that Miroku found him before anyone else.

"Inuyaaashaaaaaaaa! Oi, silver-head! Over here! Come here!"

"Oh joy." Inuyasha looked up tiredly. Obviously, his bright hair had given him away. "I'm not a silver-head," he told the vet as he approached, because he had learned from experience it was better to confuse the guy than run away. "It's platinum."

"It's silver."

"Platinum."

"Silver."

"Platinum."

"Silver."

"Silver."

"Plati- wait."

Inuyasha sighed. Miroku wasn't the sharpest tack in the box, especially in the morning.

"Alright, whaddayawund?" Inuyasha asked.

"I assume that means 'what do you want?'" Miroku asked.

"Igunmeeanytin guwund." It can mean anything you want. For the record, Inuyasha was none too awake at the moment as well.

"Ooookay. Well, see, there's this bird..."

"Get Bird-Man to do it."

"He looked busy. I checked on him and he was looking into a pen, so I guess he's working with whatever's in there."

"No, really? I would expect he was just looking at one of our flea-covered beasts which he's seen umpteen times already, just to get some kicks out of it..."

"Anyways, there's this ostrich-"

"Woah, you didn't say anything about an ostrich," Inuyasha blurted out. "I hate ostriches. They're dumb, stupid, angry, bitter, and dumb."

"You said dumb al-"

"In fact... They're probably stupider than an emu's bottom, and I've only seen an emu's bottom once, which was when Naraku grabbed one by the foot and showed me just to make a point of something..."

"I've heard enough," Miroku said quickly. "But anyways, Kikyou asked me to clip its claws, but that's a two-person job and-"

"-And you want me to finish it for you." Silver-Head finished it for him.

"Exactly! No, wait..."

"I might as well, seeing as all I've got planned for today is life with a platypus."

"Platypuses," Miroku said knowledgably, "were origonally created when a mad scientist took a beaver and sewed on pieces of a duck. I read that in a book."

"You _never_ read books."

"I do so read books! How did I get to be a vet without books, hummm?"

"You never read your textbooks..."

------

Kikyou was sipping her coffee when two men burst into the office rather loudly.

"Get it straight, Miroku, chocolate does not contain MP3 disc drives," Inuyasha was shouting.

"What does that have to do with my broken clock?" Miroku yelled.

"Absolutely everything!" answered the other.

"I'm nooot going to ask," Kikyou interrupted. Boys were such strange creatures. "But while you two are here, about that ostritch..."

"It's dead?" Inuyasha asked hopefully.

"It's alive and currently sedated for nail clipping," Kikyou replied smugly.

"You didn't...!"

"You didn't think I would ask Miroku to do it with me, did you?" asked the female with a falsely sweet voice.

"You make me sick..."

"Wait," Miroku cut in. "You weren't gonna help me? How did you know Inuyasha would do it?"

"I didn't... I just... Took a wild guess," said the vet innocently, glancing at the ceiling.

"That's greeeeat," Inuyasha answered, and followed Miroku through the office and into the pen behind it. An ostritch sat directly in front of them, looking a little dazed.

"Bottoms up," Miroku shrieked, charging forwards and grabbing its tail. "Get its legs!"

"Get them yourself," Inuyasha growled.

"Get them before she kicks my brains out!"

"That wouldn't be much of a loss," said the silver-haired employee, but he dutifully snagged the ankles of the bird, which was starting to realize something bad was happening to it. "Augh! I thought you said this thing was sedated!" Inu screamed as unhealthily long-clawed feet tried to kick him in the face.

"I didn't! Kikyou did!" Miroku answered, reaching into a white pocket for the clippers. He pulled out a pair of what resembled garden clippers. "Here, catch!"

"Ohhhh, no... You're doing the clipping, I'd rather have the tail end, thanks..."

"Are you sure? Those sedatives are like laxatives, seriously-"

"You look dry enough to me!"

"Don't let go of the-"

The warning came too late. Inuyasha let go and with a violent kick, the ostritch swung a foot into the back of the boy. It was a good thing there was straw scattered all over the ground to soften the landing. He scrambled up from the floor and launched himself at the tail, tackling Miroku in the process.

"What was _that_ for?" the vet demanded, hurling himself on top of the flinging ostritch legs.

"_That_ was for trying to throw me a pair of extended nail clippers while I was clutching the legs of an insane monster!"

"I should kill you! How dare you give me the legs!"

"You're the vet! Merry Christmas!"

It was a long and complicated process after that. Miroku struggled to hold down the feet while he worked the clippers. Inuyasha attempted to hold down as much of the rest of the bird as possible. Finally, Miroku straightened up.

"I did it!" he shouted triumphantly. "I clipped the left back claw!"

"Does that mean you're done?" Inuyasha asked impatiently, while an ostritch wing beat him over the head repeatedly.

"No, that was the first one I managed," his friend(?) replied.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me."

"Do I look like I'm laughing?"

"You look pretty happy to me..."

------

Kikyou was just polishing off Time magazine, issue 64, Biggest Issue Ever when a battered pair of workers trudged back in.

"Call that sedated?" Inuyasha complained, flopping into a comfy black chair.

"Kikyou, how much medicine did you actually give that thing?" Miroku asked, collapsing onto the black couch. Kikyou sipped her black coffee in a black mug, hardly looking up from her black desk. The only hint of colour in the room was the slight triumphant red blush spreading on her face.

"None," she said with a grin. "You don't give birds sedatives for nail clippings, Miroku. The standard procedure is to cover it's eyes."

"_WHAT?_" Inuyasha exploded. Kikyou continued with her coffee, but it was hard to read with the sounds of a scuffle echoing off the darkened walls.

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Well, that was chapter 2, I hope it was good enough for you to REVIEW! You see that little button down there? CLICK IT! I beg of you! Okay, not really, but click it anyways! And your sneak preview... Kagome's stuck in the pen! Get help, Lassie! Erm, I mean Inu! Also, Miroku has a life-changing experience: he's met the most beautiful girl, and her name is... Her name is... What _is_ her name, anyways? And what is the significance of ten thousand yen? Okay, that's enough previewing! Chapter 3 comes out next weekend, be sure to read!


	3. Hello, My Name Is BLANK

Chapter 3! Don't we feel special, FAITHFUL UN-REVIEWING READERS! I waited an extra week to post this chapter and everything! Anyways, yeah, one of those slightly "fluffy" chapters...

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It had been two weeks since Kagome had fallen into a pen filled with lions and hyenas, but she wasn't stopping now. There were flocks of visitors coming to the zoo just to see Kagome The Fantastical Tamer. The animals in here were always kept partially sedated, so no matter how hard they tried it was impossible for them to think of killing her, and Kagome lived peacefully with the two packs of warring monsters.

Naraku, on the other hand, made her not-so-peaceful. How dare he throw her in here! Oh well, it wasn't like she was dead yet, so she had no reason to fly off the handle... Yet. She had resolved to keep her composure until she decided to leave the pen. Apparently, her parents had already known this was going to happen, and they visited every day with Souta to cheer her up from the sidelines. Like now, for example, Souta was currently hanging over the edge, waving to her and shouting something which sounded like,

"Hey, Kagome! Heeeeeyyy! UP HERE! Hiiiiiiii!"

"Souta! Get off the fence before you fall in!"

"So what if I do? You're still alive!"

"You'll give Grampa a heart attack!"

"True, very true," said a light voice from behind her. Kagome turned around. "I've fed your new family," Naraku said pleasantly. "And now I believe it's time to take you to a fancy restaurant for your work... Come."

"Eeeeew," Kagome shrieked.

"I was only joking."

"You, quote quote, 'never joke,'" Kagome hissed. Naraku dragged her over to a plate of disgusting slop. "You've given me emu food! That's disgusting!"

'Now, now, Kagome. Just because it's green and resembles puke doesn't mean it's emu food. Eat your cole slaw and I'll give you something worth eating." Kagome scarfed it down, wincing from the taste. Naraku handed her a sandwich and left quietly.

"Gee, thanks," Kagome said sarcastically, opening it to find he had stuffed the contents with more cole slaw. "Could somebody get me some good food?"

"Sure," Inuyasha called from above, "as soon as I dial the emergency number! Why are you still down there?"

"What's wrong with staying here?"

"Well, for one thing that giraff still has diarrhea and I'm the one stuck dealing with it!"

"Sucks to you!" Oh, right, that giraff. She had forgotten. So _that_ was the reason she was still down here!

------

Miroku was just finishing his diagnosis of a giraff with excess bowel movements when he saw somebody walking around in a zookeeper's outfit. This was nothing new, except as he watched her pass, he realized she was a new keeper. Her tag, pinned to the khaki shirt, read "Hello! My name is !" He watched Blank walk bye and tried to take in the details. Brown hair in a ponytail, brown eyes, tall, slim...

The girl walked by without noticing him. He watched her disappear around the corner. Then he ran after Inuyasha.

------

Inuyasha was busy reading a sign outside "Kagome's" pen, as it was called among the keepers.

**Did you know it costs 10,000 yen every day to keep a person in this pen with all the animals?**

It then continued on with details about the bodily functions of lions, hyenas, and people, complete with graphic pictures. In fact, he was so enraptured by the bodily functions of people that he didn't notice Miroku until a hand fell on his shoulder in a supposedly friendly manner. He jumped and spun around.

"Inuyasha! Dog-boy! Silver-head!"

"Miroku! Lazy-pants! Dumbell!"

"Truce," Miroku sighed, then bubbled over with renewed excitement. "Didyouknowwhat Ijustmetsomebody doyouknowwho it'sagirl!"

"Uh-huh. Sit down, Miroku." Inuyasha led the twitching vet to a park bench. "I think it's time I told you about the dangers of drinking Kikyou's espresso coffee..."

"I don't have TIME to learn about coffee," Miroku screamed, much to the amusement of some passers-by. "I just met a _girl_ and-"

"Aha! And?"

"And what?"

"Well, what did she say? What was her name? Who was this _girl_?"

"Um... Well, she didn't say anything, she was a new keeper and her name was BLANK."

"Blank?"

"Hello, my name is... Nothing."

"You didn't even talk to her?"

"Well..." Miroku fidgeted. "I thought- THERE SHE IS!" And the high speed chase was on, Miroku going after the poor girl, who immediately took a sharp turn and began using evasive action. Inuyasha watched them disappear over the horizon.

"He is sooo stupid."

"Yep. Especially considering I'm right here," said a voice behind him. Inuyasha turned around. "He's chasing after my brother," said Hello, My Name Is. Inuyasha blinked. This was going to be one crazy afternoon.

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Well, that's it for today! Here's your sneak preview for next chapter... Who is Hello My Name Is? Who is her brother? Why is she at the zoo? All questions on the mysterious girl are answered next week, as well as these exciting events: Kagome's been raking in the money, but who's the one getting rich? And what the heck is Kikyou putting in her coffee? Well, that's it for today, now PLEASE REVIEW! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!


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